Haircut, Bollywood and the Squits (Dunc)

Although it’s pretty hard to tell from the photo below of me at the Gateway to India my bouff was becoming a bit of a health and safety hazard:

Only one thing for it, off to the local barbers.

After more than a couple of minutes of searching I found a place and dived in. I was told by the, it has to be said, ravingly camp proprietor (Let’s call him Ramone), that it would cost 40 dib-dobs for a cut. Super. Considerably less than the 11 quid I was going to pay in Camden. However, what started off as a simple haircut rapidly got out of hand.

On retrospect my key error was to answer in the affrimative everytime Ramone asked me a question even though I didn’t know what the hell he was going on about. I ended up having the following “treatment”:

Haircut– Spot on. Debouffed. No complaints.
Shave – Cut throat razor. A bit blunt but pretty good.
Aftershave –Holy God it burns. It burns. Took me back to the Sir Gallahad.
Facial (?) – Layer upon layer of eye stinging crap was applied, rubbed in and wiped off my face. The only apparent effect was that I was now blind.
Facial Pummel – Blind and helpless I hear a disconcerting electrical hum. Seconds later my face was pummelled and vibrated by… well a vibrator! It hurt. Bruises now adorned my face.
Massage – Not too bad. Up until the point he “cricked” my neck left then right and the pulled up on each ear violently resulting in a grinding clicking noise and blinding pain.
Head Massage– Foul liquid squirted and then massaged into my head. Dripped down into my eyes. Naarrgghhh.

And that was that. In total it came to 170 dib-dobs. I left Ramone’s with my eyes stinging and headed straight back to the hotel for a decontamination shower. Definitely an experience.

Later on that evening I was approched by a guy near the “Gateway to India” in Colaba claiming he was from “Bollywood“. I carried on walking thinking he was some sort of con artisit. I was a bit thrown off by the fact he was really well turned out compared to other con artists/sellers in the street and had an I.D. badge.

The day after I was looking through my lonely planet when I spotted a text box about “Bollywood Extras”. It seems that Bollywood sometimes requires foriegners to be extras in movies. The guide goes on to explain the Bollywood reps often wait in Colaba near the Gateway to India and approach tourists. Arse. My one and only chance to be a movie star flushed down the toilet.

On the subject of toilets (what a great link!) I have acquired a dose of Delhi Belly or my more favoured term – the squits. I thought I’d been really careful but obviously not careful enough. Due to illness I pretty much mooked in the hotel room for the weekend watching bad films on cable. I still feel awful.

12 Responses to “Haircut, Bollywood and the Squits (Dunc)”

  1. Rory Says:

    Admit it Dunc. The strange sensation in your bottom was due to the ‘extra’ massage the camp hairdresser gave you. You know, the one where he said ‘look. no hands’

    I’ve got bastards block. I canne think of anything insulting to write about the misfortunates that read. Well apart from ‘you’re all a bunch of bastards’. I’m not sure that warrants a post. I’ll come up with something though.
    ‘Kill all white people’ perhaps. Topical, controversial and offends just about everone (that can read). I’m translucent btw, not white. All you white fuckers must DIE!
    I can feel it Dunc. I may have mined a vein of pure insult gold with this. I’ve got a warm sensation in my groin. Is that good or bad.
    Christ I’m disturbing myself. That’s got to be bad. ‘When Rory shocks even himself’ That could be the follow up post. Online therepy.
    There is work to be done…

  2. swiss james Says:

    “Foul liquid squirted and then massaged into my head. Dripped down into my eyes”

    “a strange man came up to me and asked me to star in a film”

    I hear what you’re trying to say Duncan- and frankly, I’m not surprised

  3. dlaird Says:

    Swiss – Look out for the XXX bollywood blockbuster – Dunc It Deep stars in “Deep In Bin Lairden”

  4. NeaL Says:

    Dunc It Deep. *Shiver passes up spine in horror*

  5. Rory Says:

    His tranny alter-ego is back and she/he’s pissed off. Double Duncans in
    ‘Axis of Anal: The Whore of TERROR’

  6. NeaL Says:

    Duncs, remember that photo of me with your growler. That was pretty pornographic.

  7. bozzley Says:

    are you still in mumbai? cos there was a thing in the paper yesterday about the hitler cafe getting in a spot of bother. the jews complained about something, i think it was the bacon butty special on a friday or something. or was it the name … i cant rememember

  8. bozzley Says:

    here we are, try and get there before they change the name to bar mengel

  9. Rory Says:

    I wonder if he serves kosher meat? Fucking Nob-eads should dry their eyes. So what if it’s called Hitlers Cafe. Did the owner round up the local Gypsys, handicapped, homosexuals, slavs and jews and make them frequent his establishment??? Vee Have Veeys ov making you eat bacon!

    Whiners and fucking moaners. Hearing shite like gets me surly.
    Neal told me how a Scouse-Jewish family are moving to Palestine(Ooops!- It’s called Isreal since the Brits gave it to Zionist land grabbers) because there’s no Kosher resteraunts in Liverpool??? Manchester’s not too far away even London’s close by comparison. The UN should issue hankies and ‘no more tears’ shampoo to the whiners of the world. Dry up and shut up.

  10. dlaird Says:

    Hmm, what if I open a fresh fruit bar outside Anfield called Hillsborough Juice Bar. With the slogan – “especially squeezed for you and your family”.

    Someone would definitely need to build a 24hr hanky shop next door with a sideline in electric eye dryers.

  11. Rory Says:

    Touche Dunc.
    That’s quite a good idea actually but no-one opened the Nazi Cafe next door to a concentration camp memorial. Mumbai isn’t (to my knowlage) well known for it’s Jewish population. That said there are probably just as many homosexuals, gypsys, slavs and handicapped in Mumbai as there are Jews. They aren’t (according to the article) complaining: the Jews are. The holocaust revisionism leads to the impression that they are the only people to suffer(tm).
    They are the only one that need to dry their eyes, in my humble opinion.

  12. swiss james Says:

    I think these dirty handicaps need to know their place- God create Adam and Eve, not Adam and some woman in a wheelchair.

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