Bombings (Dunc)

I just want to clarify that I was nowhere near Bangkok when the bombs went off.

I suppose this doesn’t technically absolve me from any involvement and may in fact just suggest I’m a competent terrorist.

 Bin Lairden out.

Royal Encounter in Chiang Mai (Dunc)

Nipped out to buy some crunchy peanut butter a couple of hours ago. On the way back from the shop I was surprised to see the main road leading to my hostel was completely blocked off by Thai policemen. Within minutes a huge convoy of over 40 police cars, 10 Thai army cars, 10 blacked out Mercedes, 4 ambulances, a couple of Chiang Mai “Special Unit” pick-up trucks and a fire engine turned up along with a hundreds of policemen/army/bodyguards and one nanny.

I thought to myself “This is mighty peculiar!”.

Managed to walk halfway up the street before being stopped by a very polite uniformed fella. I then run in to an Australian couple who informed me the Crown Prince of Thailand (next in line to the throne), his missus and their little tyke (2nd in line to the throne) had decided to drop by the neighbourhood.

I though t myself “Surely this doesn’t happen everyday”.

And indeed it doesn’t. Chatting to one local revealed that in his 50 odd years of life he’d never seen height nor hair of any of the royal family. There was quite a buzz amongst the small group that had gathered to gawk.

I thought to myself “Blimey”.

At this point no-one in the crowd seemed to be sure where the prince was. His little son however was running around like an e-number intoxicated nutter in the middle of the road. He was closely followed by his nanny, a soldier holding anumbrella (no rain?) and a soldier carrying what appeared to be a box of baby wipes. Everytime the kid looked/turned in one direction all the facing policemen and guards had to salute. It was most amusing.

I thought to myself “Ha, ha”.

After 15 mniutes or so the big man himself appeared out of a shop 15 metres or so straight in front of me.  His immeadiate entourage included a couple of burly guards, an old geezer and a guy with a torch to “light the way” even though it wasn’t dark. The group headed towards us before turning into a restauraunt. After another 15 minutes or so he appeared out of the back door and walked past within a couple of metres of me.

I thought to myself “I’d probably get shot if I run up to him now”.

I didn’t do anything stupid. His missus (ooouussshhh!!!!) appeared a couple of minutes later and then they all jumped in a car and buggered off.

I thought to myself “Well, how very exciting”.

The Prince:

 

 The MILF and Kid:

Bangkok – Again!!! (Dunc)

Caught a “VIP” bus from Sihnoukville to Bangkok. It left at stupid o’clock in the morning. We had to get out every hour or so to cross a river on a river barge thingy. It was kinda fun. Here’s a photo of one of the crossings:

Eventually arrived in Bangkok at 8pm 14 hours after setting off. Checked in to “My House” guesthouse for the night – bit of a shithole but clean enough. Had a nice meal of BBQ’d red snapper. Here’s the BEFORE and AFTER cooking snaps.

The next morning two bits of good news. I checked into a relatively fancy hotel – Hotel De’Moc and I met up with a friend and fellow animal centre volunteer (Tiffany). Over the next 3 days we intended to do some good old fashioned sight seeing but got sidetracked and overwhelmed by shopping trips.

We spent the majority of one day looking around Pantip Plaza. It’s a big electronics shopping mall. Six floors of electronic equipment, copied software and pirated films. I bought a laptop. You start to go crazy in there after a couple of hours wandering around in the electronic buzz and fluorescent lights. The other days were spent shopping for jeans, getting lost and posting presents back to the UK. Exciting stuff….

At night we hung around the Khao San Road most of the time:

It’s a 300m long and full of shops , restaurants, bars, stalls (t-shirts, pirated CDs/films/games), massage parlours, prostitutes, street food and guesthouses all designed to extract money from poor backpackers. A women was also selling lovely balloons:

And another woman was literally selling her ass:

Some of the bars were pretty cool with live music (most were shite). Every band I saw played “What’s going on” by 4 Non-blondes. It also seems to be obligatory for every place to play a Bob Marley song on the hour, every hour. No woman no friggin’ cry.

It was a fun 3 days. Parted ways with Tiffany for the time being and caught another “VIP” bus north to Chiang Mai where I was to spend Christmas.

For a few more photos please click HERE

Happy Christmas (Dunc)

Season’s greetings and a big kiss from me and my ever expanding bouff!!

Hope everyone has a great time opening presents, getting pissed and eating too much. I will be eating Christmas dinner and drinking Christmas bevies in a very nice hostel in Chiang Mai Thailad. It’s currently very hot and sunny.

Peace out to the world (except Nestle) 

Duncs’

Sihanoukville (Dunc)

After Phenom Penh I headed by bus to the seaside town of Sihanoukville for a few days of beach bumming.

There are a few different beach hangout spots – Victory Beach, Ochheteual Beach and Serendipity Beach. I headed to Seredipity, which according to the ever so useless Lonely Planet was the backpackers hangout.

On this occassion the LP was spot on. Serendipity Beach was pure quality. A 2km curved stretch of beach lined with pub shacks, restaurant shacks and guesthouse shacks:

I stayed at a pretty nice guesthouse called Coasters. It was literally on the beach. I surfed the net with my toes in the sand. I spent most of my time  hanging out at the Frog Shack with Craig(US), a guy from Germany and Joanna (Oz). Activities included playing footy, swimming in the warm sea, drinking cocktails, eating fresh seafood barbecue, sampling the local herbs and quaffing the odd cold Chang beer. Good times.

The people were all very friendly. Got a bit of hassle from kids and beggars  on the beach but even they were quite funny and laidback. By far and away the best character I met was Mr. P, the main drug dealer. It was said if you wanted any type narcotics he was the man who could provide. I didn’t utilise his services but if I did I would have done without fear of the local bizzies. Mr P. was the law – quite literally. During the day he is Sianoukvilles chief policeman.

My favourite memory is driving 5km on uneven dirt tracks on a 75cc moto in the middle of the night – with four people on it. I think we reached a top speed of 20mph.

The only dark spot on the trip was the tidal wave that nearly washed away my guitar one night as I was sittin at a beach fire watching the stars. I think I may have forgotten to mention that I bought a guitar 5 months ago in Serbia and have been hiking it around with me ever since.

Anyways, here is me on the beach with my shorts pulled up way too high:

 For a few more photos please click HERE

Manc Land the Conker delusion… (Rory)

Aiight mutha fuckas. Gots to get this shit on da road.

When I left off football had been played. We all went back to get our respective shit toegether. Rich, Alan and I got some booze and grub.

This was a bleak time as all maner of reality tv shite was tainting our collective unconsious. Saldly no one else saw the wisdom in putting FTV on, to help redeem our eternal souls by admiring the beauty of god’s creation. However, inch’Allah, fire will rain for 40 days and 40 nights on the unbelievers. Sorry if that seems harsh.

So I went to get a curry and what a good decision that was! (I like curry).

 As more and more people were arriving the flat was getting too busy. A change on scenery was needed. Some other smart people and I went to Revise to consume cold beer.

 Andy C, Raf, Alan, Sinead and I had some lovely cold beer. We talke about stuff and it’s all good. (My mind is in the midst of an imagination slump. I had several cold beers last night and can’t be fucked to be honest).

 So time was a ticking we decieded to make our way to the Southern. Outside the pub we encountered Afro-Joe (or Joe Clarke), Mark and Kirsty (Lovely people). I had the bright spark of leading everyone on a merry dance across Chorlton. I thought I knew the way having lived and worked there. Not so. We eventually reached a cul-de-sac (bloody French). Mark then came to the rescue by asking directions and we eventually got to the pub.

I’ll let the mo fo photies tell the story,

***UPDATE***

I had a moment of inspiration and a few beers. I’d just like to say to everyone reading this that I hope for many orgasms to come yo way mo fos!! Wank and fuck mutha fuckfas!!!

SPREAD THE LOVE

Aiight. May the mo sensitive of yo’all dry yo eyes and read on. This be the shit…

Alan, SInead and Neal looking happy

Mo Fo Joe, Super fro!!

Rich, Paul and Alana. Oh, and Jose looking exceedingly gay…

Sophie and Amanda in some kind of deltal exposure pact.

The lovely Mark and Kirsty

Rich, Jose, Me and Tamlyn. Someone’s lapping up male attention eh?

IT’S VERY NICE!!!

Alan’s not impressed…

Les freres Creegans!

The Rafatola sandwiched by Rorys

Sinead looking good at her most drunk

I could say more but then I’d have to kill you all (does that ring any bells?)

I’ll finish this off some other time. Have a good time yo’all. Fuck negitivity, fuck government. Love peace and fucking.

Murv’s Blog (Dunc)

Err, I’ve lost the link to Murv’s blog. Can someone please enlighten me…

Cheers Neal – http://broadwoodwidger.wordpress.com/ - I’ve linked it on the side.

I’m in Bangkok after a mind/arse numbing 14 hour journey from Sihnoukville. More on Cambodia tomorrow…

Just saw the cricket score. Shite.

Anyone got any good jokes?

Off to eat landmined dog.

UPDATE

Just been for a pleasant stroll up and down the famous Khao San Road. I was surprised to run into a “sadness” (collective noun) of Yank God botherers howling laments at the passers by. The cheek of it.

I like Bangkok. True, it is full of neo-hippie knob jockeys on “spiritual journeys”and endless streaks of spurting students but the city has a good vibe.

Managed to grab some food to sate my appetite. Ate nice pad thai from a street stall. I also had what I thought was a chicken kebab skewer. Turns out the lumps of meat weren’t chicken. Shaped like a 50 pence,  soft and greasy outside with a hard chewy bit in the middle. The individual lumps seemed to be whole animals or at least a significant component. They did taste a bit like chicken though but that’s no help in unravelling the mystery. Top NASA scientists have proved that over 98% of meat in the world tastes like chicken.

Off to have a beer and catch a ping pong show. Wonder if I should take my bat?

Phnom Penh (Dunc)

I spent three days doing some serious mooking around in the capital of Cambodia, Phnom Penh.  PP is a pretty big city situated on the banks of the Mekong river. It’s changed a lot since I was last here with the green berets back in 1971.

I’m pretty sure all you educated folks out there have heard about one of the most winningest dictators of all time and arguably most famous Cambodian - Pol Pot. He was leader of the Khmer Rouge when they held power in Cambodia in the late 70’s.

Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge were thoroughly bad eggs. During three years in power (1976-79) they managed to kill and estimated 1.5 million people out of a total population of 7 million (1975).

Not happy with killing people quietly the Khmer Rouge were rather fond of torture. To find out more about this unspeakable beastliness I visited the Tuol Sleng Genocide Museum. The site is a former high school which was converted in 1976 to the main Khmer Rouge torture and interrogation centre (S-21). Over 17,000 men, women and children were tortured and killed here.

In a scene that took me back to my visit to the Aushwitz museum I walked into a room which was filled with the mugshots of S-21 victims.:

It also had mugshots of the prison guards and torturers:

Kids killing kids. 

Later in the day I visited the site of Phneom Penh Killing Fields around 10km from S-21. All prisoners from S-21 were sent here to be executed and buried following interrogation.

The site is pretty disturbing. There is a large memorial pagoda which looks nice from the outside but is filled with skulls. It’s very cramped inside so as you walk around your face is only a few inches away from human bone with no glass partition. I thought it strange the number of people who were taking photos of the skulls.

You can also walk freely around the sites of the mass graves. I was amazed to discover the crunching under my feet was human teeth and bones. Scraps of clothing poke through the ground here and there along with the remains of the odd sandal. No holds barred memorial.

Here are two signs from the site:

No need really.

A Poem (Rory)

Here’s something for you all to contimplate.

For the world is ours and we are of it’s stuff. It is full of love and beauty as are we.

Never forget yourself.

Peace and love to you all,

Rory 

Desiderada

“Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant;

They too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;

they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

It is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

Many persons strive for high ideals,

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.  Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love;

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the council of the years,

Gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a healthy discipline,

Be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here,

and whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God,

Whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.”

Special thanks to the lovely gent who brought this poem to my attention, Thanks mate.

Alexa Chung (Rory)

I discovered this young lady used work of Fashion TV. What anout that for syncronicity!

The least I could do is post a picture of her lovleyness for yo’all to admire.

Enjoy!!

From http://alexachung.awardspace.com

Temples of Angkor (Dunc)

You’d have thought I would have heard about these Temples of Angkorbefore arriving in Cambodia - me being a bonafide archaeologist and Indianna Jones fan and all - but alas no. Angkor is the site of the ancient Khmer Empire capital with over 1,000 Khmer temples and the site of Angkor Wat –  the world’s largest single religious monument! On my last day in Siem Reap I hired a moto driver for the day ($8) for a short tour around some of the major temples.

First stop was the biggie – Angkor Wat. Three things immediately struck me as I walked along the causeway to the main entrance -

1. It’s very big
2. The steepness of the steps people are forced to climb to get in
3. 9.3 million Japanese tourists

Strolled around a bit stepping on the Japanese as I went. The experience reminded me a lot of walking around a big temple. Saw some wild macaque monkeys feasting on a Japanese grandmother and hid in a lovely corridorto escape the heat. Jumped back on the moto and headed off to the Bayon Temple.

The Bayon Temple was built back in the olden days to commemorate the diaganol achievement of King Duignan 15th. King Duignan was honoured for creating the first Book of Bob which secrets have been passed down through each generation of Duignans to the present day. The temple is adorned with millions of stone carved faces said to be images of the big chief himself:

I have to say Rory, the family resemblance is uncanny.

Next on to my favourite temple of the day. Can’t remember what it’s called. What’s important to know is that scenes from the Indiana Jones films were filmed here:

I like it because it’s been left in the same rundown/overgrown condition as it was when “discovered” by French explorers in the 18th Century. When I was walking around I really got the sense of going back in time. I had an eerie and exciting  feeling of how the initial explorers must have felt when they stumbled across the temple in the middle of a jungle. That was until I was literally run over by a Japanese tour party. Why does it always have to be tourists. I hate tourists.

Went to see a few more temples but blah di blah. Headed back to Siem Reap. Packed my bags and set off to the Cambodian capital Phnom Penh early the next morning.

For some more photos from Siem Reap and the Temples please click HERE

Manc Land (Rory) Part 3

So I woke on Saturday morning feeling all queer and knowing something’s not right. Then it hit me. The sun was shining brightly. In Manchester.

Obviously I took this as a sign and immediatly turned on the best tv station in the world. Fashion TV.

How I missed you FTV. The girls are just as fit as I remember them and boy do I remember them. (Caroline Ribero and I will wed one day when she finds me)

After an hour or so of my contented purring Alan woke up and joined me in watching FTV. Sadly he has suffered permanent brain damage and isn’t able to enthuse as a normal person might. We were able to settle on the neutral ground of watching Baywatch repeats, Charmed and Popworld. (she’s fit so it’s worth it)

Ok. So after several hours of this Saturday morning fare, Alan and I went to visit Jose and rouse him from his casa. We walked through Guardian land, across cum-hardy and after some cajoling managed to get him to accompany us for food in some wanky new place on Beech Rd. It replaced a wankier place and the waitress was cute so I’ll give it a break. We had a fried breakfast and then left Jose to go and meet young Rafalitio in town.

I then persuaded Alan to take a ’short cut’ back to James and Rich’s place. Sadly my sense of direction is worse than I think it is. This would lead to further ’short cuts’…

We arrived back to find James, Rich and Shelly alive and well. As we were playing football at the JJB we needed to get our proverbial skates on. After some last minute calls and negotiating we arranged for the Donovan brothers to meet us there and have some footy mayhem.

It is situated beside the Basilica of Mammon, The Trafford Centre. Fuck it’s corrupt, corpulent soul. May a pox be on those who profit from it’s existance.

The match.

We lined up as; Parks, Raf, Breeny, Alan and Jose. Against; A Creegan, J Creegan, Simon, Seb and myself. The first 10 mins were one sided. Parks’ team running riot, scoring freely. Obviously it was an early setback. I had yet to unleash a touch, let alone a bosh.

Then we got our passing in gear and Seb cleared the cobwebs to pull off some stunning saves. With a shut out on the cards we piled on the pressure with the Creegans and Simon smashing the ball past Jose many times. I too was on hand with some deft ‘outside of the foot’ finishes.

I wasn’t sure about astroturf having never played on it before but it’s ok. I take Alan’s point that slide tackling should be avoided though.

Rich and Shelly watched the proceedings and Shelly pronounced a joint man of the match award to Richard Parks and Andy Creegan. Well done lads! I was too lazy to have much of a sweat on but scored 5 past Jose (just to give added value to my finishing).

5 a Side wasn’t actually as insane an idea as I first thought. It refreshed the system ready for more drinking! Later homes

One Dollah (Dunc)

Spent four days mooking around in Siem Reap. It was nice to relax a bit after the Wildlfie Centre, specifically not getting up at 6:15am every morning was nice.

Siem Reap (Translated to Siamese Defeat in English) is a bit of a tourist trap. It’s the main base where people stay to explore the world famous Angkor Temples. More on the temples later.

In Siem Reap everything that is worth less than $1 costs $1. If someone were to set a stall selling individual sheets of toilet paper then each sheet would undoubtedly cost $1. A tuk-tuk or moto trip anywhere in the city, whatever the distance, costs $1. I asked the price of various items in an open market. They all cost $1 or more. I think there’s something funny going on - I bet it would cost me at least $1 to find out what.

A few notes of interest -

• As I was perusing the many shops in SR full of tourist crap I happened to come across this gem of a book -

Don’t worry Rory, I’ve bought you a couple of copies for bed time reading. It amuses me that he’s placed between Jesus Christ and Brian Lara – subjects of the same series of books – “The Luminous Life of ……..”

• The three most popular careers for Siem Reap natives appears to be moto/tuk-tuk driver, masseuse (happy ending variety) and street beggar.
• One night, while quietly slurping the Lord’s fine beverage in a Siem Reap pub (this particular drinking establishment had strange writting on the walls)  I had the misfortune of hearing the following bile spew forth from the mouth of a Yank trying to impress a girl at the next table. He appeared to be yacking about his previous bint – “When we were phasing out our relationship she became OH so incredibly ant-EYE-social”. It bothered me greatly. I wanted to stab him in the eye with a spoon.

•  As I walked along a SR highway I saw the sign below. I can’t decipher it. Is it advertising a zoo, animal supplies or restaurant? Suggestions welcome:



• The food here is absolutely delicious. Everything from the stuff they sell on the side of the road to “cuisine” offered at decent restaurants. Here’s my latest local meal – Cambodian Green Curry with rice:

Update on my trip to the Angkor Wat Temples tomorrow.

Interlude (Rory)

Before I get my lazy, workshy ass back to finishing the Manc Land chronicles I have something to say.

 Lambs are not more deserving of your sympathies than other animals.

Is that clear?

Why should someone be critisised for eating Lamb as opposed to, lets say beef?

Is it the age of the animal in question?

Is there an age limit such that older animals are off your love list?

If that’s the case you are a deluded fuck.

Maybe it’s the cuteness of the animal in question.

Ickle bunnie wabbits are sooo cute!

Fuck you you moron. They’re fucking suculent and tasty.

This false morality regarding animals needs to stop. You are either; in favour of the ‘meat is murder’ philosophy. (i.e. all consumption of meat is wrong),

or; don’t give a fuck.

It’s that simple. Seriously. If your ethical whirlygig of whim and fancy disagrees then you’re a hypocrite. And plain wrong.

I would like to say that I am a vegitarian (argie style) who eats meat every day. Stuff that in your herbal pipe and smoke it.

Cha ‘am to Bangkok to Siem Reap (Dunc)

NOTE TO JOE CLARKE: Send me an e-mither you arsehole.

Bid the Wildlife Centre a tearful farewell on Wednesday morning. Caught a taxi with Hester (Holland) and Jillian (Canada) to Bangkok. 

I intended to spend the next few days hanging out with Jillian in Bangkok before she flew back to Canada. A visit to the Thai Immigration office but a spanner in the works. A 7 day VISA extension cost 1900 dib dobs (30 quid) opposed to 500 dib dobs quoted in the Lonely Planet. The Lonely Planet is shite.

 So, I had to high tail it to Cambodia the next morning before my Thai VISA expired (the  bastards weren’t gonna sting me again!!). Bought my bus ticket to Siem Reap through my hostel for 800 dib dobs and off I went the next morning.

 The bus ride was one big rip off. We had to pay double the price for a Cambodian VISA ($40 instead of $20), we were given a horrendous currency exchange rate for Cambodian dib-dobs and the trip took 15 hrs when it should have taken 8 or so. The reason for the long trip is explained in the Lonely Planet as the “Bangkok to Siem Reap Bus Scam”. If the bus arrives in Siem Reap late with tired passengers and stops outside a specific  guesthouse then the passenegers will more than likely stay at that guesthouse. The guesthouse is always owned by the bus company. How very convenient.

There were a few bright spots of the journey. There was a great thunderstorm and I watched a golden moon rise from really low down on the horizon.  Also, a really annoying Aussia guy and his girlfriend moaned for 4 hours over the fact they were getting conned as part of a bus scam. Fair enough to moan for a bit but 4 hours was a bit much. Spilt milk and all that. He told everyone to stand firm and not stay at the bus company’s guesthouse when we arrived.

I was most surprised when we reached Siem Reap at 9:00pm that he was first through the door of the bus companies guesthouse. I heard hmm muttering “It won’t hurt to take a look”. What a tool. I hailed a tuk-tuk and scarpered to the “Popular Guesthouse”. Smack bang in the middle of town, $6 a night with en-suite bathroom and TV.

More from Siem Reap later.

Adios Wildlife Centre (Dunc)

NOTE FROM DUNC: A bit of a post log jam today. All you good people scroll down to Rory’s post below and read it/add comments before this one otherwise I’ll murder you all.

First of all a happy belated birthday to the King of Thailand. He reached the grand age of 127 on December 5th – a good innings by anyones standards.  On the big day there were lots of fireworks, human sacrifices and people wore yellow all day. The locals constructed a neon birthday shrine to King Dudley down the road in the village. Good show. Buckingham Palace should invest in some regal  neon lights….

Sadly, my time has come to an end at the Friends of Thailand Wildlife centre. Things started off a bit shaky but I can honestly say I spent a really fun 4 weeks here. Who would have thought scrubbing bear shit could be so much fun. On that very subject here’s a photo of us scrubbing one of the Sun bear’s (Oompoom’s) swimming pool:

Here’s a quick run down of my favourite animals at the Centre.

1. Gilbert the Gibbon

Gilbert is one of the friendliest gibbons at the centre. He likes it when you scratch his back and returns the favour with a big gangley (sp.?)  hug. He’s prone to searching pockets for various items which he then tries to eat. He likes to suck on ice cubes.

My fondest memory of Gilbert happened when I was feeding his neighbour -  a particularly irksome white gibbon. The white gibbon attempted to literally bite the hand which fed him. Gilbert took exception to the attack and threw a well aimed right fist through the cage into his neighbour’s face.  Stitch that white gibbon.

Click HERE to see a video of Gilbert singing his little lungs out.

2. Alpha Male Pig Tailed Macaque

This monkey has a severe attitude problem. He’s governor over a troop of 10 macaques which live in a large field. Everytime  I walked past his field he would confront me with a display of dominance. This basically involved him sticking his nose up in the air, running up to me, staring into my face sternly and then turning away while grabbing his back leg.

Click HERE to see a video of him with his attititude turned all the way up to diva rap star. It’s funny.

3. The Langurs

Ridiculously cute little monkeys. They remind me of the Gizzmo thing in the film “Gremlins”. They like to groom my bouff (which by the way is getting quite big now).

Click HERE for a video of one of the blighters chowing down on lunch.

Honourable mentions must go out to the otters, elephants and Miaow the tiger.

For a few more photos from the centre please click HERE.

Manc Land (Rory) Part 2

Aiight homies. It’s all love, ye hea’?

So I arrived in Manchester on Thursday night and went straight to the pub. (That’s what I’m talkin about!). I met with James and Rich in Revise and we had some pleasant, cold lager.  There were a couple of their friends there (can’t remember names), nice blokes but they left after a while. So as we caught up and chatted shit we were joined by a lovely girl named Rachel. She said she designed trainers and was from Rhyl (”full of bloody paedophiles!!” we were told). It seems she was fighting a losing battle with her blood-alcohol levels.

James asked her the question; ‘If you could kill one person in the world, who would it be?’. Rachel, quick as a flash (from a Rhyl paedo no doubt), replied; ‘The bastard who killed Diana!!’.

Wow! They better watch out! I tried some of my conspiracy shit on her but to no avail. Seems she is convinced it were Charlie wot dun it. Her somewhat fit, geordie mate joined us briefly but nothing would save this conversation. After she went to powder her nose we drank up and scarpered. Never mind Rachel; if your reading this; ‘It was the queen mum.’ (mind she wasn’t driving a moped. she called the hit) 

James, having work in the morning went to bed. Rich, being workshy (only joking) stayed up for a while and we drank some tasty rum.  On Friday Rich had to go into town for a docs appointment so I went along.  Apart from having to give Rich directions into town and industrial extortion at the hands of NCP carparks, everything went ok. I left Rich to his appt and went for a dander round the city centre. Everything seems brighter and bigger than I remember. I felt a bit self consious as a scruff, particularly when a big issue seller declined to offer me one and turned his back on me! (fuck you man. I can afford the big issue. It’s just that I’m a tight bastard!).

There’s a massive ferris wheel (the ‘manchester japs eye’ or summit) by Exchange Square and it appears they’ve finished the Arndale shopping centre. That nicotine stained brick effect was so 1970s.

I don’t remember being hassled by so many chuggers (charity muggers). The mutha fuckas are on yo ass from when you step onto Market street and every 10 meters or so there after.

Anyway, Rich and I met up again and went back to Chorlton, bought some ‘del-italia, half chiabatas’, avoided some soap dodgers in Unicorn and settled in for an afternoon of nothing at all.

Later, Alan and a lovely lady by the name of Shelly came via their respective trains for the weekend of festivities. We got some wine and some curry before going out. Rich had his Chrimbo, work party. James and Shelly went for some karaoke. Alan and I waited for Jose before going for a quick local beer and then settling in for a couple at the house. Several hours later after borrowing James keys mind, a volley of stones hitting the window woke me.

 It seems James, Shelly and Rich wanted in and were fed up standing outside. I did the decent thing and let them all into their house. Sorry.

Right. Lunch over. Will be back on Monday for the latest instalment. May all of you find contentment and fufilment this weekend. Love and kisses.

Manc Land (Rory) Part 1

Good day to you all. May pleasant things be forthcoming and for love and contentment be bywords in your life’s tale.

 I was in the Northern English metropolis of Mancheater this weekend past and nothing was to my disapointment (except for the unreasonable demands sleep made of me Sunday morning. More on this later)

I will add that I dispise airports, the mindsets of their security staff and the processed nature of traveling trough them. Fuck you airports!

 The occasion for my visit was the joint goodby party for the gentlemen, Richard Bibby and James Creegan. They have been sharing a flat in Chorlton-cum-Hardy but are traveling to antipodean and oriental shores respectively. Work demands that Rich be in Austrailia for Thursday but I believe that James will be around till new years.

 I flew over on Thursday from Belfast. Having not flown for a while and the fact I was flying domesticaly, I was unprepared for the fucking Nazi like behaviour of the security. Don’t get me wrong. Individuals doing their jobs were pleasant if humourless.  Would I be prevented from carrying a bottle of water onboard a train or bus? Would I be ‘patted down’ in a manner which bordered on the sexually invasive? 

Of course if I were to get a train or bus from London to Manchester, none of this would happen. I believe (unless I slept in and missed the changeover) Northern Ireland is part of the United Kingdom. I am also of the belief that the manner of the searches, ridiculous prohibition of liquids and unessesary powers given to underpaid, overworked, bored airport security, is all about conditioning us for future restrictions/conditions in travel.

How long before the same happens when boarding a train or bus? Accept this unessesary shite now and expect more later! ***NO LIVES HAVE BEEN SAVED BY BANNING BOTTLES OF WATER FROM AIRPLANES*** Ok? ***NO LIVES HAVE BEEN SAVED BY MAKING PASSENGERS TAKE OFF THEIR SHOES AND PASSING THEM THROUGH THE X-RAY*** Is this clear enough?

 Alright maybe I’m getting a bit too emotional but think about it…

On with the show next time.

Day Out At The Seaside (Dunc)

Went to the seaside town of Cha ‘am with my friend Tiffany on our day off from the wildlife centre:

Cha ‘am is full of ex-pats and old white geezers with young Thai brides. It was a really fun day with really nice weather to boot. Saw the world’s biggest Budha standing 3,145 metres tall amd lots of live fish and crabs in tanks at the fish market.

On the subject of Thai brides and old geezers I’m having trouble forming an opinion either way on whether it’s bad or not. It’s kinda weird/gross seeing it in the flesh - a 60 year old ugly fat bloke with a 20 year old beautiful Thai girl. Then again, why is this so different to all the rich blokes in the world with trophy wives? Heff, Stringfellow, Branson to name but a few…. Their exploits with younger ladies seems to be more socially accepted. Please discuss.

Here’s a picture of a Cha ‘am road at night. How very exciting:

Err, so that was that really. More about the animals in the next post I promise.

For a couple more photos please click HERE

Stuff, Things and This and That (Dunc)

I’ve been getting in the the swing of things here at the centre. I’m having a really good time despite not sleeping very well and having to get up at 6:20A.M. every morning. I saw a big 7 ft long copper brown python slither across my path the other day. It made the monkeys I was feeding at the time go crazy (bananas even). I’ve seeen more wild snakes and scorpions in the last two weeks than I have done in my entire life. Hope I don’t get Steve Irwin-ed.

One of my favourite jobs at the centre is feeding the bears. This involves cutting up a variety of fruits vegetables and the odd supplement of meat, heading down to the bear enclosure and errr… feeding the bears. The enclosure is split into two sections. The trick is to get all ten bears into one secton, lock the partition gates and then go in and put the food down in the bear vacated zone. The only skills you really need are the ability to count to ten, use a lock and key and to recognise what a bear is. I just about qualify:

We try to make it hard on the bears by placing the food in difficult to reach places. I usually dump a load outside the cage where the bears can’t reach it. Stupid bears.

Another fun thing to do is enrichments. People are paired togther to come up with ways to entertain the animals and enrich their lives. My enrichment partner (Jim from the UK) came up with a sweetcorn and vine idea. Here I am helping him to prepare using the Joe Clarke Tea Drinking method of working:

The idea involves tying a piece of sweetcorn to a vine. The non-sweetcorn end is then handed to the monkey/gibbon/macaque. In order to get the treat the afore mentioned critter must pull on the vine reeling it in through it’s cage. HERE is a video of a successful macaque in action.

Sad news this week – Camille left the centre. We went out in Cha ‘am for a few beers, a meal and a piss up on the beach to wave her off in the correct fashion:

 

I wish her all the best in her travels through SE Asia and I hope I bump into her again sometime in the future.

And finally some doggy news. Meet the puppies Daisy and Scrappy. They live at the centre. They mostly fight, bite and lick. Everyone a big awwwww:

For a few more photos please click HERE